life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
You Might Also Like
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Every time.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*