7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
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I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
describing stardew valley
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
house sitting!
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.