My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
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Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
The Book. The Movie.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.