My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
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I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi