Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
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Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”