*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
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Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks