If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
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First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.