Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
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“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too