*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
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If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
The photographer’s assistant
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?