I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
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[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL