FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
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Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Go hard or stay average
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time