Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
You Might Also Like
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
s
oc
i
a
l
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
That’s incredible! 👌
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
cause of death:
autopsy.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
what the hell pray for carter everyone