At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
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lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Breaking news:
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
A dad and his duck
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.