Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
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I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
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