“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
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I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.