we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
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” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
getting old is fun
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
This will never not be funny to me.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.