her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
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The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day