You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
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People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
good for her
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.