me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
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Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.