my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
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You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first