I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
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Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.