Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
You Might Also Like
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.