me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
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I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Dead sexy!!
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.