her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
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Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!
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Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man