Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
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Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
secret recipe
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Attacked by a mop.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
no cat here
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?