Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
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Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
fair
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”