“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
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[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Unimpressed
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
I drew y’all a little something.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word