The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
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[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP