Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
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Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.