My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
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“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Bros before Ohioes
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.