Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
You Might Also Like
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
This a good idea
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
I’m sure it’s fine.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.