6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
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[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Had an epiphany today.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
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I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.