Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
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Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.