[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
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Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
My five year plan is a meteorite
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby