When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
You Might Also Like
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Not all heroes wear capes…
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.