Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
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5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.