Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
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A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.