when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
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I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
That was easy.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
*seductively eats two tums*