THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
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PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.