“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
You Might Also Like
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇