Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
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Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Cinematography is my passion
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room