Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
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I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Lmfao
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that