Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
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Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars