[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
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Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit