me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
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“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?