Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
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Watermelon Boss!
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.