Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
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ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
work smarter, not harder
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.