If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
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[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.