A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
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I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather