Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
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I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.